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Will and Guy's Funny Cat Jokes and Amusing Stories About Felines

The cat could very well be man's best friend, but would never stoop to admitting it.Doug Larson

Funny Cat Jokes

Two Funny Cat Jokes

• Two female cats are sitting on the fence passing the time of day when a really handsome tomcat walks by and winks at them. 'Oh darling, did you see that one?' one of the felines opines. 'I wouldn't mind sharing a dead mouse with him.' 'Oh, forget about him,' her friend tells her. 'I went out with him once, and all he did was talk about his operation.'
• A tomcat was heard running up and down the alley for hours. A neighbour called his owner and asked what was happening. The owner said, 'Well, I had him fixed today, and he's going around cancelling all his engagements.'

Ten Funny Cat One-liners

1. What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.
2. Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
3. What is a cat's way of keeping law and order? Claw Enforcement.
4. What is the name of the unauthorised autobiography of the cat? Hiss and Tell.
5. What is a moggy's favourite colour? Purrrrrrrple!
6. Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of wool? She had mittens.
7. What does a kitty like to eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies.
8. How many cats can you put into an empty box? Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
9. What do you use to comb a cat? A catacomb.
10. Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted.

More Cat Humour

Here are our amusing tales, cartoons and jokes where moggies come out on top.

Cats and Chess

Martha is walking in St James park when she sees her friend Roger playing chess with his cat. Martha says to Roger, 'I can't believe what I m seeing, a cat that plays chess, what a clever animal.' Quick as a flash Roger replies, 'No Martha, this cat's not clever at all - I'm beating it 6 games to 2.'

Greed

In front of the local butcher's, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realised with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. It was, in fact, a collector's item. He strolled into the store and offered two pounds for the cat. 'He's not for sale', said the butcher. 'Look', said the collector', that cat is dirty and scabby, but I'm an eccentric. I prefer cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten pounds'. 'It's a deal', said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten immediately. 'For that amount of money I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer', said the connoisseur', 'The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.' 'I can't do that', said the butcher firmly, 'That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 18 cats.' See more funny cat jokes.

Funny Cat Tale

How To Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by feline. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Amusing Kitty Pictures

Cat Feed?

Will says: Caught in the act! Guy says: Why is the mincer red?

Will and Guy's Top Ten Funny Cat Quotations

1. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. - Anon
2. There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. - Anon
3. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. - Anon
4. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. - Ellen Perry Berkeley
5. People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. - Faith Resnick
6. In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. - an English proverb
7. I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. - Hippolyte Taine
8. Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.' - Joseph Wood Krutch
9. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez
10. There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats. - Albert Schweitzer

Possibly our favourite cat funny: Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later. - Mary Bly

Cats Sleep Anywhere

Cats sleep anywhere, any table, any chair. Top of piano, window-ledge, in the middle, on the edge. Open draw, empty shoe, anybody's lap will do. Fitted in a cardboard box, in the cupboard with your frocks. Anywhere! They don't care! Cats sleep anywhere. Eleanor Farjeon [1881 - 1965] Footnote Please write to Will and Guy if you have any funny cat jokes.

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